By Chris
Who knew dating could get more difficult? When you are a teen going on your first date you are nervous, maybe a bit stressed. All those little dilemmas of what am I going to wear, is my make-up too dark or not dark enough, do my shoes match?
Who knew dating could get more difficult? When you are a teen going on your first date you are nervous, maybe a bit stressed. All those little dilemmas of what am I going to wear, is my make-up too dark or not dark enough, do my shoes match?
When you are a single parent going out for the first time after a previous relationship you suddenly long for just the little dilemmas, now you have many more challenges to dating that need to be overcome
before it can be exciting, as it is should be. However, the challenges for the
single parent are undeniably greater, but this shouldn’t deter you from testing
the waters. Overcoming the challenges is part of the fun, and the first step is
identifying what they are so that you wouldn’t be caught off-guard. Here is a list of some of the challenges I have found being a single parent and dating and some of my solutions:
1.)
Your children are resistant to the idea of you dating. You want to go out on
dates, but your kids want the exact opposite. The children, on one hand, are expressing a healthy need for reassurance that they aren't going to be replaced or left behind. The best thing you can do is to
have a heart-to-heart talk with them. Help them realize that although you’re
planning to let someone else into your lives, they’re still and always will be your
top priority.
2.) You don’t have time to go on dates. Even though this may be true for some
people, for most, it is merely an excuse. You can squeeze in time for dating if
you’ve completely opened yourself up to the idea. Dating may require creativity, a lunch date while the kids are at school or when they are at the non custodial parents. For one weekend, hire a
trusted babysitter or ask a close friend to look after your kids. For once in
your life, make time for yourself.
3.) You don’t know where to find dating prospects. You finally decided to try out dating, but you don’t have anyone in mind. It’s time to join organizations and clubs that focus on your hobbies and interests. Some online dating sites exist for the single parent. By building your social network, you are also increasing your pool of possible dating partners.
4.) You think that not a lot of people would want to go out with someone who has excess baggage. You’re not very excited about dating primarily because you think your children are perceived by many others as an unwanted complication. Though that may be true for some people, but for others, they just don’t care if you have kids. The one thing they care about is whether or not you’re compatible with them.
5.) You want to protect your children. You meet a wonderful person, but deep down you wonder if what you see is what you get. Don’t worry, you’re not paranoid. Stories of sexual predators and physical abusers may not happen everyday, but they do occur. To make sure that your kids are safe from shady personalities, get to thoroughly know the person you’re going out with before you bring them into your children's lives. I always meet at a public place while I am getting to know this wonderful person. After I feel I know this person well enough, then I let him know where my children and I reside.
6.) You’re afraid to get your children emotionally involved. You’re worried that if you get hurt, your children will be hurt, too. This is one thing that’s hard to avoid, because as their parent, your kids can pick up if you’re feeling miserable. However, you can help lessen the pain in the first place by keeping your private life away from your kids’ eyes. They may know who you’re going out with, but they don’t have to know details about arguments and fights.
7.) You don’t want to be a serial dater. In the quest of finding someone you truly like, you may end up going from one person to the other if no one meets the standards you have set. Although for you this is just part of the process of finding someone worthy, you’re worried that you’re not setting up a good example for your children if you’re perceived as a serial dater. Again, talking to your kids regarding the matter helps a lot. Being discreet about your personal life also helps, too.
These seven challenges are just a few that I have found of what you will encounter once you start dating again. As you’ve noticed, most of them involve your children. This should come as no surprise to you, because you know that your kids will always be your concern. To make things easy for you, make sure that your relationship with your children is a solid one with a good foundation. If you’re a great parent to them, your kids will be more supportive of you. With an understanding of your children and common sense, navigating the challenges of dating while parenting is possible with an open mind and a zest for swimming in those waters.
3.) You don’t know where to find dating prospects. You finally decided to try out dating, but you don’t have anyone in mind. It’s time to join organizations and clubs that focus on your hobbies and interests. Some online dating sites exist for the single parent. By building your social network, you are also increasing your pool of possible dating partners.
4.) You think that not a lot of people would want to go out with someone who has excess baggage. You’re not very excited about dating primarily because you think your children are perceived by many others as an unwanted complication. Though that may be true for some people, but for others, they just don’t care if you have kids. The one thing they care about is whether or not you’re compatible with them.
5.) You want to protect your children. You meet a wonderful person, but deep down you wonder if what you see is what you get. Don’t worry, you’re not paranoid. Stories of sexual predators and physical abusers may not happen everyday, but they do occur. To make sure that your kids are safe from shady personalities, get to thoroughly know the person you’re going out with before you bring them into your children's lives. I always meet at a public place while I am getting to know this wonderful person. After I feel I know this person well enough, then I let him know where my children and I reside.
6.) You’re afraid to get your children emotionally involved. You’re worried that if you get hurt, your children will be hurt, too. This is one thing that’s hard to avoid, because as their parent, your kids can pick up if you’re feeling miserable. However, you can help lessen the pain in the first place by keeping your private life away from your kids’ eyes. They may know who you’re going out with, but they don’t have to know details about arguments and fights.
7.) You don’t want to be a serial dater. In the quest of finding someone you truly like, you may end up going from one person to the other if no one meets the standards you have set. Although for you this is just part of the process of finding someone worthy, you’re worried that you’re not setting up a good example for your children if you’re perceived as a serial dater. Again, talking to your kids regarding the matter helps a lot. Being discreet about your personal life also helps, too.
These seven challenges are just a few that I have found of what you will encounter once you start dating again. As you’ve noticed, most of them involve your children. This should come as no surprise to you, because you know that your kids will always be your concern. To make things easy for you, make sure that your relationship with your children is a solid one with a good foundation. If you’re a great parent to them, your kids will be more supportive of you. With an understanding of your children and common sense, navigating the challenges of dating while parenting is possible with an open mind and a zest for swimming in those waters.
APA Reference
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/
Smith, L. (2011). Dating, Breaking Up, and Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 4, 2012, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/06/dating-breaking-up-and-children/
Wow, I never realized there were so many things to consider about dating again, especially when children are involved. Thanks for the great information!
ReplyDeleteThere are many things to consider when you start dating again, I just tried to highlight a few that I have run into while dating as a single parent. I have found that there really is not a lot of information out there on this subject. I hope to help remedy this and provide good information that single parents can use. Thanks for reading.
DeleteAs a single mom just starting to date again, I really enjoyed this article. I am able to relate to all of the concerns you shared, especially the concerns about the children. I just think dating should be easy and Mr.Right should wear a sign letting us know he is the one!
ReplyDelete-Bergen
wow if he wore a sign things would be sooooo much more simpler....
DeleteIs it okay to keep the person you are dating away from the children until you know they will be around for a while? How would you handle the situation between the child/ren and the new boyfriend if the child/ren are making it difficult by being defiant etc. ?
ReplyDelete-Liz
I have kept my children separate from my dating world, until I felt that they were ready to meet my guy and my guy felt he was ready to meet them. I waited a few years after my husband passed away before I attempted that great vastness of dating. My main concern is my children's happiness and security. So I established some ground rules for me, my main one was I never brought anyone home until I knew him and that takes asking a lot of questions, meeting in public places and not staying out late. When we did bring our children to meet each other I picked a neutral setting, the park for a picnic, this way the kids got a chance to meet each other and have something to do and I met his son he met my sons and daughter. Our kids had a chance to see us together and a chance to meet each other without the power play they tend to do when you meet at each others houses. I found it helpful to coach them about what we were going to do. I asked if they would like to meet the person that I really like. After a bunch of ok's... if we have to .... etc. I said we are going to go on a picnic at the park and he will be meeting us there with his son. I was dating my guy for 3 months or so at this point. After it was question and answer from my children all the way home. I was lucky with the way my children handled the situation. None of them really gave me a hard time. It boiled down to they want their mom to be happy but they have the right to not like my guy, or like him. They also know that my guy is not there to take their dad's place, and that they are still the most important in my life, they are good with it. My best advice is, make sure he is someone you can see in your child's life long term before you decide to introduce them to him. Date someone that has pets or children of their own, they're more likely to understand what comes with being a responsible parent.
ReplyDelete