By Teresa
I come from a very large family, and as the years go on, it is
continually getting bigger. We all live within half an hour of each other and
are all very close. Every Sunday we get
together for Sunday dinner, but we usually see each other at least once during
the week also because we are friends and we enjoy spending time together. For
some of my brother and sister in-laws, my family was an adjustment.
Virginia Satir is a family therapist, and over the years she
has noticed patterns in families that have sought her help. Based on patterns
that she saw, she separated them into two groups, nurturing families and
troubled families.
A nurturing and vital family has a pattern of: “high
self-worth; direct communication that is clear, specific, and honest; flexible
rules that are human, appropriate, and subject to change; and the link to
society is open and hopeful, and is based on choice” (Satir, 1988).
In contrast, Satir noticed that in troubled families:
“self-worth was low; communication was indirect, vague, and not really honest;
rules were rigid, inhuman, nonnegotiable, and everlasting; also, the family’s
link to society was fearful, placating, and blaming” (Satir, 1988).
Whoever you decide to marry, you are deciding to marry their
family as well. This may be a good thing or a challenge, depending on your
situation and attitude. Virginia Satir
had this to say about family and its context.
“The feelings and ideas one has about oneself, which I call self-worth. The ways people use to work out meaning with
one another, which I call communication. The rules
people use for how they should feel and act, which eventually develop into what
I call the family system. The way people relate to other people and
institutions outside the family, which I call the link to society” (Satir, 1988).
We all come from different rearing backgrounds. When you get
married, you are taking the rules you have learned by experience- either
replicating what you know, or consciously doing the opposite, and incorporating
them into your current relationship. Before you get married, you need to
communicate about how your family will affect your relationship. Some questions you need to discuss in detail
include:
1) How
you will split the time between your families for: family vacations, family
dinners, and holidays.
2) How
involved each of your families will be in your relationship. (Ex: if we get
into a fight, will you talk to your mom about it?)
3) How
involved will your family be in raising our children?
4) Would
you be willing to move way from your family for a career?
Regardless of if you and your partner come from a nurturing
family or a troubled family, these questions should be talked about with
openness and honesty. If you are able to settle these questions now, before you
are married, the family pressure felt by couples after they are married will be
notably less.
Reference
Virginia Satir (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Science and
Behavior Books, Inc. Mountain View, CA
I loved those questions you listed that we should ask ourselves when we're thinking about getting married. I'm very close with my family and tell them everything, but I wonder if my future husband would be upset if I told my family about any fight we might have. I never thought about how to split up holidays either, but that's very important and it's definitely something I'll have to talk to my boyfriend about. Thanks!
ReplyDelete-Sophie
This is a great post. I see many of my friends and even my brother and sister having problems when it comes to holidays and how they are going split them. They always have to think of where they where last year so they know where they are going this year. Or they even try to have a dual holiday in one day, which never seems to work. It is a great idea to find out how involved you want your family to be before you get married. I feel that it will help solve further discussions and/or arguments. My family gets together often and my boyfriends family lives in West Virginia so we rarely see them. Therefore, he is always at my family gatherings or goes on family vacations with us (which works at great for me). -Laura
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this post. It is great to hear that your family is so close but that you also recognized that this may be quite an adjustment to in-laws. I tell my mom almost everything but I do think that there is some things that should not be shared about my relationship with my husband. Holidays are difficult but luckily we have found an arrangement that works for us.
ReplyDeleteI also really enjoyed your post. A lot of the stress in my last relationship was caused by my boyfriend's family. I think this is a very important topic and agree that it should be discussed before marriage.
ReplyDelete-Bergen
I loved this post!!
ReplyDeleteI totally connected with you as you described your family. I too am very close to my family. After being married 9 months this is still the thing we probably argue over most. Is how we spend our family time.
I also liked how you posed the question about how involved our families will be in our relationship. I remember that was a change for me, after being married to not run to my sisters when there was a disagreement.
Thanks!